Yon: Rural Queensland, 1880. Constable Ned Kelly dons his armour and becomes the
founding member of the Victorian Police Bomb Squad, pre-dating actual bombs
Tripod: History was not always as it appeared,
If you knew the truth about people with beards.
Ned wore a helmet to hide his disgrace,
To hide his hairy face!
Scod: And fifty years have passed and nothing changed,
One tiny moustache ruined Stalin's name.
Tripod: Poor Chopper Reid's name gets dragged through the mire,
But beardless people get away scot-free,
Like Eddie McGuire.
History was not always as it appeared,
If you knew the truth about people with beards.
Having a beard left a terrible mark,
On Peter Russell-Clarke.
Scod: King Arthur'd still be drinking from his magic cup,
Why do you think they strung old Jesus up?
The Vikings were basically a charity organisation,
Rasputin had some brilliant party tricks,
Tripod: And the Huns were fun
Yon: Wil Anderson finally had enough,
When he caved in and shaved off his Jazz Tuft,
Scod: Jazz Tuft?
Yon: There's only one instance when it was revered,
Was when Nicole Kidman herself was a beard!
Tripod: History was not always as it appeared,
If you knew the truth about people with beards.
Burn all your books, both new and dog-eared,
(The line gets stuffed up)
Tripod: And let's all grow a beard!
Yon: Or moustache.
Yon: Or Van Dyke. But not Dick Van Dyke, you know what I mean.
Yon: Or Jazz Tuft.