My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I?ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah they rang me up, said ?Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
They want you to sing a song, it?ll be fine, fine, fine?
But the problem with my particular ?uvre,
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
And the wisdom here at the BBC,
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
For pussy puns on ?Are You Being Served??.
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
With no nasty-ass cussin? and a-cursin?,
And I?m a little too lewd and a little too long,
I?ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.
And they said, ?Remember boy that music is like love-making
it?s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Remember boy that music is like love-making,
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit?
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no pornography or politics in it,
You?re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
You?ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song?.
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.
And even in the bridge I won?t be lyrically adventurous,
intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
And I won?t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
N.C.
I need a little happy-clappy country song,
Nice and repetitive and not too long,
Boring enough, but not too boring,
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
I need a song that is only three minutes,
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
Well, if you can?t beat ?em, get conservative with ?em.
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,
To flog more tickets to my concerts,
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge,
You've got a telly and I want to be in it,
But apparently you?ll only watch for three minutes.
Yeah, apparently you?ll only watch for three?