Chords
Three Minute Song

Key: B

Introduction:

     Bb                                                       F 
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
                               Bb                                                 F                                             C 
Yeah, I?ve got people  and a phone  and a grasp on the passage of time
                     Bb                               C                         Dm       C                   Dm 
Yeah they rang me up, said ?Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
           C                                                                 Bb                   F 
They want you to sing a song, it?ll be fine, fine, fine?
                 Bb                                                       F 
But the problem with my particular ?uvre,
                 Bb                                                                     F 
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
                 C 
And the wisdom here at the BBC,
                 C 
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
             Bb                                                               F 
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
             Bb                                               F 
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
                               C                                                     Dm 
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
         Bb                         C                         F 
For pussy puns on ?Are You Being Served??.
                   F 
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
         C 
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
     Dm                                                                                           Bb                             C                       F 
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
     F 
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
           C 
With no nasty-ass cussin? and a-cursin?,
                     Dm 
And I?m a little too lewd and a little too long,
                       Bb                       C                       F 
I?ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.
                                 Bb                                                           F 
And they said, ?Remember boy that music is like love-making
                                       C                                                         Dm 
it?s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
       Bb                                                     F 
Remember boy that music is like love-making,
                                     C 
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit?
               F 
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
         C 
Without no pornography or politics in it,
                   Dm 
You?re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
                           Bb                                                       C                       F 
You?ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song?.
 F 
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
           C 
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
 Dm 
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
       Bb                                         C     F 
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.
                                 Dm                               Bb               F 
And even in the bridge I won?t be lyrically adventurous,
           Bb                   F                             C 
intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
             Dm                                                                 Bb                         F 
And I won?t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
         C                                                     C7 
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
 Bb                                       F 
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
     C                                                     C7 
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
N.C.
     F 
I need a little happy-clappy country song,
 C 
Nice and repetitive and not too long,
 Dm 
Boring enough, but not too boring,
               Bb                                 C                   D 
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
     G 
I need a song that is only three minutes,
       D 
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
 Em 
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
             C                                                   D 
Well, if you can?t beat ?em, get conservative with ?em.

                   G 
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,
       D 
To flog more tickets to my concerts,
               Em 
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
 C 
Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge,
 Em                                         C 
You've got a telly and I want to be in it,
             D                                                                       G 
But apparently you?ll only watch for three minutes.
             C                                           D                             G 
Yeah, apparently you?ll only watch for three?