Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more than
Marlon Brando loved soufflé
She was gorgeous, she was charming,
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kinda thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said, "Hey!
Are we playing horseshoes honey?
No I don't think we are,
You're close (close!)
But no cigar!"
Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habañero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought: after all these years of searching around
I've found my soulmate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD, oh no
I said, "Hey!
Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
Oh, so very close (close!)
Yeah baby, you're close (close!)
So close, but no cigar!"
Aww yeah
Aww no
Aww yeah
Aww no
Alright!
Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to number one on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big
I said Hey!
Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close!
But no cigar!