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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then
life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course
for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
sauerkraut!
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D--------------- Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
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my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear
sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all
day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a
nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t
long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won
the grand prize. That?s right a first class one-way ticket, to
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday
Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup
right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.
Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??
There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I
go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat
hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has
been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give
it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and
he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it
said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a
call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,
wadaya want??
I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa
were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled
donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I
said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,
?wait a minute, I?ll go check.
Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case
what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one
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hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You
F FF
?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh
eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
and hair the colour of strained peaches. I?ll never forget the very first
thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?
That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and
we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful
night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join
the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m
just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never
saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -
lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!
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Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week
later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That?s right I got me a part
time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee-of-the-month after I put
out that grease-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in
the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when
I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with
that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut
off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all
indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well
that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader
for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso
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Boy?. D-------------------------------------------------------15- So
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anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had
a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming
and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he
just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!
OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,
man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was
I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s
a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to
make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by
the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even
take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called
A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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