There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree.
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's "merry Christmas!" seeping through my walls
Now I'm no Wiccan commie or nothin'
But there is one damn holiday I can't stand
It ain't Halloween, Thanksgiving, or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man.
Chorus 1
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain't kokeyed then it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world, Jack and Cokes
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
Cause I ain't never anything but broke
verse 2
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit
And those coloured lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as the people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
"Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change"
Before we spend it all on fucking toys.
HA
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.
HA