The pilot had a heart attack
The co-pilot can't be found
The people in the aisles are screamin'
They know the plane’s goin' down
We need a hero, someone to save us
We need a hero to land the plane
We need a hero, who's gonna do it
We need a hero to save the day, shuh!
So I jump to my feet, and I volunteer
The people on the plane all start to cheer
I get a high five from a baby
And a hickey from a flight attendant
So I go in the cockpit put the headset on
And grab the main control
Then right away I crash the plane
Because I don't know what I'm doin'
We're on a runaway train
The conductor had a meltdown
The people in the dining car
Are screaming really, really loud
We need a hero, someone to save us
We need a hero to bring us through the danger
We need a hero, somebody competent
We need a hero to save the day, yeah!
So I put the engineer's hat on the top of my head
The people go f***in' crazy
A guy says, “You're the main man”
And a deaf woman signs, “Go get em”
So I go to the cab and I toot the whistle
That's something I always wanted to do
Then right away we fly off the bridge
Because I don't know what I'm doin'
We're in a nice family restaurant
Somebody's Grandma is choking on a lamb chop
There's panic in the air as Nana's face turns blue
The busboy screams in spanish, “What the f*** do we do?!”
We need a hero, who's gonna do it
We need a hero to clean out her windpipe
We need a hero who's down with Heimlich
We need a hero to save the day, yeah!
So I slap my napkin down on the table
And I get a f***in' standin' ovation
Another guy gets up and says he's a doctor
I say, “sit the f*** down, I got this s***”
Then I wrap my arms around Grandma's chest
And look her grandkids deep in the eyes
Then right away I break all her ribs
Because I don't know what I'm doin'