For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall
So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he's planted it against the garden wall
Bridge
It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly touched the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world
When father's had a skin full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world
verse 2
We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
So they put the water rates up half a crown
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes
And they came up half a mile outside the town
Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot house
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down
Bridge 2
The tom cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world
The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world
Bridge 3
It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey
Its the oldest aspidistra in the world
So we water it with half a pint of Guiness every day
Its the stoutest aspid - istra in the world
The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town
So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a crown
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world
Outro