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Introducción:
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
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stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
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street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then
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life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course
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for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
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a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
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sauerkraut!
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D--------------- Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
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my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear
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sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
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And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?
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And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
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and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
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years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
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that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
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always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
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oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all
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day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a
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nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t
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long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
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radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
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of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won
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the grand prize. That?s right a first class one-way ticket, to
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A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
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been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
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Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
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excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
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throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
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and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
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And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
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tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
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fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
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ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
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crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
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leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
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twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
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snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday
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Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup
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right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
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checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
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vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
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that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.
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Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??
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There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I
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go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat
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hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
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man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has
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been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give
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it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and
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he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
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eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
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yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
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phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
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familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it
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said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
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need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a
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call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
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you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
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to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
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vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
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instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
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decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
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shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,
wadaya want??
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I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa
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were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled
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donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I
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said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
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were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,
?wait a minute, I?ll go check.
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Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case
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what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one
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hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
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immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
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yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You
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?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
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hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh
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eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
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runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
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would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
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name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
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and hair the colour of strained peaches. I?ll never forget the very first
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thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?
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That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
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ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
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flavoured dental floss. The